In Which There Are Pairings
by Mird
Summary: Don't read this. It doesn't deserve to be read. Seriously. This is just the kind of stupid thing that people AREN'T supposed to post. Crack, rated for sex references, swearing, blablabla, you know the drill. If you read this, you'll flame me, I know it.


**This is just about the most fucking retarded thing I've ever done. If Camille hadn't forced me to post this, it would be sitting around as a file on my computer, rotting its pathetic, stupid, pointless, not-worthy-to-be-seen-by-the-eyes-of-fanfic-readers ass off like it should be. It's stupid when people post these on their profiles, and even stupider when someone (ME) posts it as an actual fanfic. In fact I think I'm the only one.**

**No, that's not an invitation. You can be stupid in other ways, I assure you. Go pound your head with a hammer or read some RoyEd or something, just stop bugging me.**

**Idiots.**

**Turn back while you still can.**

1. Ed

2. Al

3. Roy

4. Winry

5. Riza

6. Lust

7. Paninya

8. Elicia

9. Truth

10. Armstrong

11. Black Hayate

12. Gluttony

**1) Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fanfic before?**

LustxBlack Hayate

Black Hayate buried his head in Lust's breasts.

"Woof woof woof, woof woof woof bark," he said poetically.

"Woof," said Lust. She smiled sexily and stripped.

The rest of this fic has been censored. Shoo, fly.

**2) Do you think Four is hot? How hot?**

98.6 degrees, I'd assume. Unless she has a fever?

**3) What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?**

"Gluttony, I'm pregnant!" Elicia sobbed. "Daddy said I'm not s'posed to get preggies! Whadoo I dooooooo?!"

"Can I eat the baby?"

Elicia glared at him. "No!"

**4) Do you recall any fics about Nine?**

The Truth eats a Sandwich

By theretard5892

"All right, Jimmy! I'll bring you back to life soon!" Raiven said enthusiastically, her voice echoing in the empty room. The only thing there besides herself was a pile of elements and the like spread haphazardly across the floor, a transmutation circle etched into the ground and...A turkey sandwich.

Raiven pushed her dark, raven locks out of her large, raven eyes. Her clothes were a dark, raven shade of black. But she's not emo, heavens no.

Raiven was extremely really a lot sad because her brother, Jimmy, was dead and (insert overly-dramatic back story here).

Raiven activated the transmutation circle.

Suddenly (blablabla copy and paste description from any other Sue fic with a human transmutation scene) and she was in front of the gate.

"For committing this horrible sin," said the Truth, "you must pay a price!"

The Truth stole Raiven's turkey sandwich.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (etc.)!!!!"

Then the Truth ate her turkey sandwich.

"Yum."

The End

**5) Would Two and Six make a good couple?**

No. AlxLust is icky.

But, here:

Al buried his head in Lust's breasts.

"Woof woof woof, woof woof woof bark," he said poetically.

"Woof," said Lust. She smiled sexily and stripped.

The rest of this fic has been censored. Shoo, fly.

**6) Five/Nine or Five/Ten?**

Riza/Truth or Riza/Armstrong?

"Oh, Truth! I love you!"

"Darling Riza, I love you too! And in exchange for your breasts, I'll give you a vacuum cleaner, free of charge (kinda)!"

Or...

"LOOK AT MY SPARKLY MUSCLES! THEY SPARKLE LIKE EDWARD CULLEN SO _LOVE_ _ME, RIZA HAWKEYE!_"

**7) What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex?**

Paninya stared down from the roof, which she had been fixing.

Al -censored censored- the fat man.

"Santa?" Paninya asked dumbly. "Is that you?"

Al jumped, accidentally kneeing Gluttony. Gluttony moaned in pain and then ate his own-

"PANINYA!" Al shouted.

"No need to shout," said Paninya. "Now put on some pants." She jumped down from the roof and stole Gluttony's fat, which she sold on ebay. Now Gluttony is skinnier than a supermodel and Gusty is sad because she no longer has anyone to relate to. (1)

**8) Make up a summary of a Three/Ten Fanfic.**

Roy/Armstrong?

'Armstrong is good at everything, except sex. Roy agrees to be his teacher, for a price- his man-part. Now Roy has two!'

**9) Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff?**

Elicia giggled. "Ed, you're so cute!"

Hughes shot Ed for stealing Elicia's innocence. Three year olds don't deserve boyfriends.

**10) Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic?**

Plot: Gluttony gets Paninya pregnant and she becomes depressed.

Title: im a stoopud idiot so read mah story

**11) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to de-flower One? **

...('Nuff said!)

**12) Does anyone on your friends list read about Three?**

Silly! I HAVE no friends!

**13) Does anyone on your friends list draw or write Eleven?**

See previous answer.

**14) Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five?**

See previous answer, again.

Well, I'm friends with myself, sooo...

Al loved Riza and Winry. Riza loved Winry and Al. Winry loved Al and Riza.

Ed, Roy and Mird are all dead, because this odd pairing requires that there is no one to interfere with their inevitable love.

**15) What might Ten scream at a great moment of passion?**

"LOOK AT MY SPARKLY MUSCLES! THEY SPARKLE LIKE EDWARD CULLEN SO _LOVE ME, BELLA SWAN!_"

Bella: "...No."

**16) If you wrote a songfic about Eight, what song would you use?**

"I'm a little teapot," Elicia sang for her daddy, who was taking pictures faster than Hawkeye could shoot a gun.

"Short and stout." Ed is shorter.

"Here is my handle," she held up her arm.

"Here is me spout," IDK

"Blablabla, Mird doesn't know this song. Wow, this is boring."

**17) If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be? **

Ed/Lust/Gluttony?

The warning would be "Watch out, this crack could make you die of laughter."

**18) What would be a good pickup line for Ten to use on Two?**

"LOOK AT MY SPARKLY MUSCLES! THEY SPARKLE LIKE EDWARD CULLEN SO _LOVE ME, ALPHONSE ELRIC!_"

Ed: Stay away from my brother, you stripper-retard!

**19) Eight walks into Ten's room while he/she is changing, what would happened?**

"LOOK AT MY SPARKLY MUSCLES! THEY SPARKLE LIKE EDWARD CULLEN SO _LOVE ME, ELICIA HUGHES!_"

Elicia: Daddy, scawy! WAAAHHH HELPPP!!

**20) Three and Four are fighting, but then Six comes in and brings Three and Four together as a couple.**

"WHERE'S ED?!" shouted Winry.

"I KILLED HIM!" shouted Roy.

Winry cried randomly. "WAHHHH, HOW COULD YOU, MEANY!?!"

"Ladies, ladies, calm down!" said Lust as she walked into the room. "I've killed loads of people, but everyone still loves me!"

"They only love you because you have breasts," said Winry.

"You have breasts, too," Roy pointed out.

"Good point!" said Winry. Then they jumped out the window and made love in the bushes below.

Lust became a professional matchmaker and everyone lived happily ever after THE END.

**21) Five and Nine are talking when Seven runs in between yelling "I love (One)!"**

Riza and Truth are having a discussion. Riza wants to trade in her vacuum cleaner for her breasts, because everyone keeps mistaking her for a guy.

Suddenly, Paninya runs past. "I LOVE ED!"

Paninya was taken to a room with cushy walls. Ed never visited, so she got depressed and killed herself. The End.

**22) Ten and Two are in the middle of a battle when seven comes flying through screaming "Super (Seven's name)"**

Al and Armstrong were fighting over a kitty. Suddenly, Paninya runs through yelling "SUPER PANINYA!" Everyone is confused about how she came back to life and escaped her room-with-cushy-walls, until they find out that it's not Paninya, but Marrissa! (Marrissa has been banned from every country in the world five times. She constantly gets plastic surgery and changes her identity so she can access these countries, because she is in the CIA. Her original name was Marrissa, although right now, she calls herself Paninya.)

The End

**23) Five was sleeping with Eight, but then finds out that Eight was also sleeping with Seven, Nine, and Six.**

Riza was sleeping with Elicia, but then finds out that Elicia was also sleeping with Paninya, Truth and Lust.

Riza shot Elicia, and Paninya/Marrissa, and the Truth (but he didn't die) and Lust. Then she stole Lust's breasts because Truth still had hers and he sure as hell wasn't giving them back after she SHOT him!

**24) Ten kills Four, Four's last words?**

"I...Can fix...Your sparkly muscles..."

**25) Two proposes to Three.**

"Roy...I'm sorry for this, but please don't think badly of me because I already have a boyfriend, but...Will you marry me?" Al asked passionately.

"Hell no!" said Roy. "Besides, _I_ already have a boyfriend, too!" Ed stepped out from behind Roy and glared at his brother.

"HUH?! BUT ED WAS DATING ME!! ED, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!" Al shouted, slightly teary eyed.

Roy looked shocked. "You were dating...HIM?!? That's it! I break up with you, too!"

"NOOOOOO!"

And so ended the era Elricest and RoyEd, and a new age of RoyAl was ushered in. Please turn to page 5892 in your history textbook for tonight's homework...

**26) One, two, three, four, and five are fighting when Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten comes to watch. What happens?**

Ed, Al, Roy, Winry and Riza are fighting when Lust, Paninya, Elicia, Truth and Armstrong come to watch.

"Roy, you're such a bastard!" Ed said. Then he started sobbing. "Blablabla ANGSTANGSTANGST"

Roy pulled him into a hug. "There, there," he said. "I mean, their, their. Yeah. That's proper grammar, right? Anyways, I'm your daddy-poo, so everything's gonna be okay. Yeah. Parental!RoyEd, FTW!"

Oh, right. They're supposed to be fighting. but dats rly ooc, cuz lyke, roy and ed NVR fite!

Marrissa stared at them with contempt. "What losers," she muttered. "They don't even know how to fight." Marrissa is now Mird's OC and she will be used in other crackfics. Marrissa was not born the normal way (Do you not know what the normal way is? Well, buddy, I'm sure as hell not telling you. It's called 'sex ed'. You learn it in school. Now, if they're against teen pregnancy, one would wonder why they teach about such things. But that's beside the point). She was born as the result of an inside joke gone wrong.

And she killed Susie.

But not really.

THE END

**27) When was the last time you read a fic about Five?**

It's somewhere in this stupid quiz thing.

I'm such an idiot.

Why am I filling this out?

Is anyone entertained by this at all (besides me?)?

**28) One and Seven are in a happy relationshit until Nine runs off with Four. One brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with Eleven and a brief unhappy affair with Twelve, then follows the wise advice of Five and finds true love with Three.**

Ed and Paninya are in a happy relationship until the Truth runs off with Winry. Ed, brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with Black Hayate and a brief unhappy affair with Gluttony, then follows the wise advice of Riza and finds true love with Roy.

"Ed, I love you. I mean, I love your watch. Can I have it and sell it?" said Paninya. Actually, it's still Marrissa. But she's decided to at least ACT like Paninya, for the sake of fanfiction.

"Hell no," said Ed.

Then the Truth runs off with Winry. I mean, the fork ran off with the spoon. And Arakawa jumped over the moon.

The Grimm bros. would be proud.

WAIT.

I meant Mother Goose. The Grimm bros. are too badass for nursery rhymes. Seriously. Before 4kids (or some prehistoric ancestor of 4kids) got ahold of their fairy tales, they were filled with blood and violence. Or something.

Anyways, Ed has a...What? A 'hot one-night stand with Black Hayate'?

Well.

I guess he IS a 'dog of the military'...But for the most part, he's human, right? What would their kids look like?

He also has a 'brief unhappy affair with Gluttony'. But that didn't work out. Remember? Gluttony ate his own-

SCENE TWO

"Riza, I need advice," said Ed.

Riza had advice. "Go make a million fangirls happy- GET TOGETHER WITH ROY!"

"OKAY!"

A million fangirls were happy.

A million and one fangirls were murderous. They killed Riza.

THE END

**29) How would you feel if Seven/Eight was canon?**

Paninya/Elicia

"What the hell? Mird, you've gone too far. I'm NOT dating a three year old. Hughes would probably kill me, anyways," said Marrissa.

"DAMN!" said the readers. "I want that stupid OC dead!"

(I'll kill her eventually, don't worry!)

**30) Two, Four, and Five decided to crash One, Three, Six, and Twelve's slumber party, what happens?**

Ed, Roy and Gluttony are having a slumber party? Well, okay...

Winry and Ed would start making out, Roy and Riza would start making out, and Al would poke Gluttony til he died. There ya go.

**31) Four and Ten are on a date when Seven, Eight, Twelve, and One comes in and crashes it. Four being however he/she is, goes to ask help from Two who gives her only poems so Four goes to Three. What happens?**

(See 32.5)

**32) What title would be good for the story above?**

Why am I, The Author, such an idiot?

Summary: Hello, world of fanfiction! Are you aware that I, the author of the following fic, am an idiot? That's right! so r&r, plz cuz this is lyke, mah first storie, so no flames, okkies, thnx!

**32.5) Will you write it?**

"Oh, Armstrong! I love your huge muscles! Please hug me with them and shatter my spine!"

"All right, my darling Winry Rockbell!" Armstrong said, sparkling like Edward Cullen. He reached over the table (covered in croissants and other fancy, yummy foods) to hug her.

When suddenly...

Paninya, Elicia, Gluttony and Ed stormed into the coffee shop!

Paninya stole Armstrong's sparkles and sold them on ebay. Without his sparkles, Armstrong was powerless. To get his confidence back, he decided to arm-wrestle with Elicia.

Elicia won.

Armstrong died of shame. Gluttony ate Armstrong's dead body.

Meanwhile, Ed was trying to kiss Winry.

"Oh, Ed, I'm not ready to admit my feelings and (insert more lame romance dialogue here)!"

"Winry, I (insert more lame romance dialogue here)!"

"(insert more lame romance dialogue here)!"

"(insert more lame romance dialogue here)?!"

"(insert more lame romance dialogue here)!"

"But Winry, I love you-"

At this point, the readers got bored imagining a lame romantic conversation.

SCENE TWO CUZ PLAYS ARE KAWAII

"Alphonse, I need your romantic expertise. I love Armstrong, but he's not buff anymore so now I hate him. And your brother said (insert lame romance dialogue here). What do I do?"

"My beard grows down to my toes,

I never wears no clothes,

I wraps my hair

Around my bare,

And down the road I goes," said Al. Hooray for Shel Silverstein!

"..." said Winry. "Bye."

She left because Al was being an idiot and he never wears no clothes. Furthermore, Al doesn't have a beard, and Winry didn't like staring at his-

SCENE THREE

Winry went to Roy for advice because Roy is number three. Roy said nothing. He began to take off her clothes and she took off his clothes and they had sex in the light of a bunch of candles that Roy had lit, because his gloves were the only things he was still wearing.

Then Ed stole Mird's voodoo doll and used it to make Roy snap his fingers. Roy and Winry burned and Roy died, but Winry lived and married Ed and they had 5,892 children THE END.

**33) Five, Six, Ten, and Eleven are planning something. What is it?**

Riza, Lust, Armstrong and Black Hayate.

They are planning to take over the world.

Lust will hypnotize the male members of the military with her breasts, and Armstrong will capture them with the magical capturing skills that have been passed down the Armstrong family for generations and generations. Then Black Hayate will administer piss-torture. It's like Chinese water torture, only using dog piss instead of water.

Riza will do nothing. Riza is dead.

Somehow, this plan will accomplish something.

**34) What would be a good title for a ten/six fanfiction?**

You ask this question a lot, quiz thing.

Armstrong/Lust

Lust buried her head in Armstrong's muscles, which were just as big, if not bigger, than her breasts.

"Woof woof woof, woof woof woof bark," she said poetically.

"Woof," said Armstrong. He smiled sexily and turned into a girl. Then Lust became lesbian and the rest, as they say, is history.

**35) Have you ever seen four/twelve fluff?**

Winry/Gluttony?

Well, the answer should be no, but, quiz thing, you know me too well.

Winry wanted to have sex with Gluttony, but he had eaten his (You know what? I just had some popcorn! And BLABLABLALBA) so she decided to make him an automail-

Okay, this is boring. Next question.

**36) Nine, I'm getting bored.**

"Truth, I'm bored," said Mird.

"All right," said Truth. "I'll help." He/she/it gave Mird Ed's arm and leg. Now Mird has three of each.

"Hooray!" said Mird. "This'll be exciting and fun and I won't be bored!"

**37) One, can you help me take over the world?**

"Great idea!" said Ed. "But you can't help."

**38) Six, what is you're darkest secret?**

Lust: ...My breasts are fake.

(Cue: GASP!)

THE END OF THE END

**BONUS!**

A new pairing:

MirdxThis Quiz Thing

Mird loved This Quiz Thing, until she discovered that he had no physical form.

THE END OF THE END OF THE END. SERIOUSLY.

* * *

**(1) Gusty is the fattest woman on the face of the planet. Gluttony is the fattest man. They belong together. And Al belongs with me.**

**I still wish that I hadn't posted this. But there's no turning back now...*sigh***

**Of course, I COULD delete it...But I really don't like doing that.**

**And, in case you noticed, I sounded a lot cheerier in the answers than in the authors notes. Know why? Because I thought that Camille and i would be the only ones reading it. But NO. She insisted that I post it. *shakes head***

**Wow, you read all the way to the end.**

**...I hate you.**


End file.
